Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.
Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.
Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
A woman told her doctor, 'I've got a bad back. 'The doctor said, 'It's old age. 'The woman said, 'I want a second opinion. 'The doctor says, 'OK. you're ugly as well. '
'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine. 'So that was nice.'
A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time'
The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'
A man walked into the doctor's, he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places'
The doctor said 'well don't go there any more'
I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.
Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners
'So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?'
And a voice said, 'You are.'
'So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said ' Is that the local swimming baths?' He said ' It depends where you're calling from.'
I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind' ,
so he gave me a kite.
I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for 'flu.
So I went, and I got it.'
I was in the attic the other day with the wife. Damp and dusty.........but she's great with the kids!
So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house'. He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
The joke thread
-
bluesmancoops
- Pilot in Command
- Posts: 896
- Joined: Wed Nov 28, 2007 2:11 pm
- Location: Morningstar Cape Town
- Contact:
Re: The joke thread
Mike Cooper
Flying is not a hobby it is an addiction
Flying is not a hobby it is an addiction
Re: The joke thread
HE GAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.'
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'
She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one. '
To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, 'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.
Tray-up, Bitch.
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.'
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'
She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one. '
To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, 'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.
Tray-up, Bitch.
Simon
Student Pilot
Student Pilot
Re: The joke thread
It's Dry, but you can read it
1. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive...
3. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you,but don't start anything."
4. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
5. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
6. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
8. A man complains, "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That's the Tom Jones Syndrome," explains the doc.
"Is it common?" asks the man.
"It's not unusual," says the doc.
9. Two cows are standing in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.
10. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at, either.
11. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says,
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there any thing you can do?"
"Let's have a look at him." says the vet. So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"Just because he's cross-eyed?" asks the man.
"No, because he's really heavy," says the vet.
13. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
14. I went to the butcher's and wanted to bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high "
15. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire In the craft, it sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too!
17. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
18. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, DAM!"
1. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive...
3. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you,but don't start anything."
4. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
5. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
6. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
7. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
8. A man complains, "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That's the Tom Jones Syndrome," explains the doc.
"Is it common?" asks the man.
"It's not unusual," says the doc.
9. Two cows are standing in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.
10. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at, either.
11. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says,
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there any thing you can do?"
"Let's have a look at him." says the vet. So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"Just because he's cross-eyed?" asks the man.
"No, because he's really heavy," says the vet.
13. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
14. I went to the butcher's and wanted to bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high "
15. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire In the craft, it sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too!
17. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
18. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, DAM!"
Simon
Student Pilot
Student Pilot
Re: The joke thread
Ever wondered about Guts or Balls...
There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: ''Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?''
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of perfume and alchohol, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the arse and having the balls to say: ''You're next, fatty.''
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.
There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: ''Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?''
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of perfume and alchohol, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the arse and having the balls to say: ''You're next, fatty.''
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.
Simon
Student Pilot
Student Pilot
Re: The joke thread
Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?' Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you £500.'
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.
Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of £500 - they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.
Jim quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m. And upon arriving, asked his wife: 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?'
With a lump in her throat Sue answered 'Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.' Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, 'And did he give you £500?'
Sue, using her best poker face, replied, 'Well, yes, in fact he did give me £500.'
Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, 'He came by the office this morning and borrowed £500 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.'
Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player
Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?' Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you £500.'
After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.
Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.
When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of £500 - they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed.
Jim quickly dressed and left.
As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m. And upon arriving, asked his wife: 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?'
With a lump in her throat Sue answered 'Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.' Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, 'And did he give you £500?'
Sue, using her best poker face, replied, 'Well, yes, in fact he did give me £500.'
Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying, 'He came by the office this morning and borrowed £500 from me. He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.'
Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player
Re: The joke thread
Very good. I think I will take up poker-
DarkHelmet
- Toooooo Thousand
- Posts: 2046
- Joined: Mon May 23, 2005 10:12 am
- Location: Jukskei Park - Randburg
Re: The joke thread
kids Are Quick
____________________________________
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
_________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
_________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
_________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand.
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
_________________________________________________________________________
Re: The joke thread
Abstain From Sex
Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle aged couple and a
young newlywed couple wanted to join a church.
The pastor says, "We have special requirements for new
parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."
The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.
The pastor goes to the elderly couple and asks, "Were you
able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The old man replies, "No problem at all, Pastor."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.
The pastor goes to the middle aged couple and asks, "Well,
were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The
second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of
nights but, yes we made it."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the pastor.
The pastor then goes to the newlywed couple and asks, "Well,
were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"
"Well Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the
two weeks," the young man replied.
"What Happened?" inquired the pastor.
"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf
and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was
over come with lust and took advantage of her right there."
"You understand of course, this means you will not be welcome
in our church," stated the pastor.
"That's OK," said the young man, "We're not welcome at Tescos anymore either."
Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle aged couple and a
young newlywed couple wanted to join a church.
The pastor says, "We have special requirements for new
parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."
The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.
The pastor goes to the elderly couple and asks, "Were you
able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The old man replies, "No problem at all, Pastor."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.
The pastor goes to the middle aged couple and asks, "Well,
were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"
The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The
second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of
nights but, yes we made it."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the pastor.
The pastor then goes to the newlywed couple and asks, "Well,
were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"
"Well Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the
two weeks," the young man replied.
"What Happened?" inquired the pastor.
"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf
and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was
over come with lust and took advantage of her right there."
"You understand of course, this means you will not be welcome
in our church," stated the pastor.
"That's OK," said the young man, "We're not welcome at Tescos anymore either."
-
Wargames
- Frequent Flyer
- Posts: 1353
- Joined: Sat Jan 12, 2008 2:00 pm
- Location: Morningstar, Cape Town
Re: The joke thread
Die winkel -eienaar sien die ouma en haar kleinseun in die winkel rondloop, en hoor die Ouma praat: "Diploma, moenie die tannie met die trollie stamp nie!!" Dan weer:"Diploma, gee vir Ouma die koffie aan," en "Diploma, wil jy ietsie te drink he?"
Die winkel-eienaar raak toe baie nuuskierig, en vra vir die Ouma:"Mevrou is sy naam werklik Diploma?" "Ja," se die Ouma, "ek het sy ma kollege toe gestuur, en dit is waarmee sy teruggekom het!!"
Die winkel-eienaar raak toe baie nuuskierig, en vra vir die Ouma:"Mevrou is sy naam werklik Diploma?" "Ja," se die Ouma, "ek het sy ma kollege toe gestuur, en dit is waarmee sy teruggekom het!!"
The Naked Trike
ZU-AVL
"I hate CIRCLIPS!!"
ZU-AVL
"I hate CIRCLIPS!!"
Re: The joke thread
My Times UP?
A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to
the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God she asked 'Is my time up?'
God said, 'No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and
8 days to live.'
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and
have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.
She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth!
Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.
While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, 'I thought you
said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from
out of the path of the ambulance?'
- God replied: 'I didn't recognize you.'
Kind regards
Gunter Rostek
A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to
the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God she asked 'Is my time up?'
God said, 'No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and
8 days to live.'
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and
have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.
She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth!
Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.
While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, 'I thought you
said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from
out of the path of the ambulance?'
- God replied: 'I didn't recognize you.'
Kind regards
Gunter Rostek
-
Gyronaut
- Toooooo Thousand
- Posts: 2265
- Joined: Mon Oct 30, 2006 4:26 pm
- Location: Morningstar - Cape Town, Western Cape
Re: The joke thread
'n Pa vang sy seun met n kondoom in sy sak en vra: " Wat maak jy met daai ding? "
Die laaitie antwoord: "Ek trek hom oor my tong as ek turksvye eet " .
Pa sê: " Dit is n kak antwoord!!! "
Laaitie sê: " Dit is n kak vraag !!! "
Die laaitie antwoord: "Ek trek hom oor my tong as ek turksvye eet " .
Pa sê: " Dit is n kak antwoord!!! "
Laaitie sê: " Dit is n kak vraag !!! "
-
kraaines
- Almost a pilot
- Posts: 169
- Joined: Thu Jul 27, 2006 8:45 am
- Location: Phalaborwa/eMalahleni/pretoria..
Re: The joke thread
Two guys sit fishing at their favorite spot, after a while the oke shares in a soft voice as to not bother the fishes "my wife has not spoken to me for two months, maybe I should file for divorce."
He's mate thinks a bit and answers: "maybe you should rethink that strategy, woman like that are very hard to find"
He's mate thinks a bit and answers: "maybe you should rethink that strategy, woman like that are very hard to find"
Re: The joke thread
Briljant!!!!JetRanger wrote:'n Pa vang sy seun met n kondoom in sy sak en vra: " Wat maak jy met daai ding? "
Die laaitie antwoord: "Ek trek hom oor my tong as ek turksvye eet " .
Pa sê: " Dit is n kak antwoord!!! "
Laaitie sê: " Dit is n kak vraag !!! "
Re: The joke thread
Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Johnnie.
Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see alright?"
"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."
"That's great", said Little Johnnie,"coz he'd be f****d if he needed glasses".
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Johnnie.
Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see alright?"
"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."
"That's great", said Little Johnnie,"coz he'd be f****d if he needed glasses".
Empty Toy Box
Busy Arranging for new toy.
Graham Cooper
Busy Arranging for new toy.
Graham Cooper
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