The joke thread

[Trikenut]

A great one... (Apologies to any van de Merwe fans )
van de Merwe and his flying buddies are chatting... well actually boasting, about how high they have gone.
The first guy says in a THICK Afrikaans accent: I mos went so high that my mos wings fell mos off!
The second guy says also in a THICK Afrikaans accent: I mos went so high in my mos helicopter that there was no mos air for the rotors to push, so I mos started to fall!
van de Merwe says: I went so mos high that I said Oh god! Wait for it...








Wait for it...








You're gonna hate me....

'
And I heard someone say - Ya van de merwe?!

[John Young]

Liquidation, Sequestration.... Castration... in whatever order you want

Hey Bad Nav,

I flew past an acquaintance of yours at Midmar Dam yesterday.

Regards
John ZU-sEXY

[John Boucher]

I see she had a bush excursion (& excuse the pun!).... flew through a Fern or something!

She is also in need of Breast Augmentation - definitely pulled too many G's!

[AWACS]

My contribution to a laugh a day - not a new one but still good...
HOE OM JOU KATJIE N PILLETJIE TE GEE

n Kort handleiding in 15 stappe:

1. Plaas jou katjie in die buig van jou arm asof jy n klein baba vashou ..
Sit jou regter wysvinger en duim aan beide kant van sy snoetjie en oefen versigtig
druk uit, terwyl jy die pil in die ander hand gereed hou. Sodra jou katjie sy bekkie
oop maak, gooi die pil in en gee die katjie die geleentheid om dit af te sluk.

2. Soek die pil op die vloer en gaan haal die katjie agter die bank uit.
Plaas die katjie weer in die ronding van jou arm en herhaal die proses.

3. Gaan haal die dem kat uit die slaapkamer en gooi die nat pil in die drom.

4. Neem n nuwe pil uit die dosie, plaas weer die kat in jou arm, terwyl jy beide
voorpote stewig vashou. Forseer sy kake oop en druk die pil binne in sy mond met jou
regter wysvinger. Hou die kat se bek vir ten minste 10 tellings toe.

5. Haal die pil uit die visdam met die klein netjie en gaan haal die mal kat bo van
die kas af. Roep nou jou maat uit die tuin uit om jou te kom help.

6. Kniel op die vloer en dwing die kat tussen jou kniee vas, neem sy pootjies in n
baie stewige greep, ignoreer die harde gegrom. Laat jou maat die kat se kop ferm
vashou en dwing sy bek oop met n hout liniaal.Gooi die pil via die liniaal in sy bek
in en vryf jou kat se keel om sy slukproses aan te moedig.

7. Haal die besimpelde kat van die gordyn-reeling af en neem nogn pil uit die dosie
uit. Maak n aantekening om n nuwe liniaal te koop en ook om die gordyne te laat
regmaak. Vee die stukke glas en keramiek van die beeldjies en potte op sodat jy dit
later kan weg gooi.

8. Draai die blasende kat in n groot handoek toe en laat jou maat bo-op die kat le
of sit, sodat net die kat se kop uitsteek onder jou armholte. Suig die pil met n
strooitjie op en forseer die blerrie kat se bek oop. Blaas die pil, deur die
strooitjie, in die kat se keel af.

9. Lees die pamflet deur, om te sien of die pille skadeloos vir mense is en drink n
koue bier om die smaak uit jou mond uit te kry. Ontsmet jou maat se arm, sit salf op
die wond en draai n verband om. Verwyder die bloedvlekke van die vloer.

10. Gaan haal die fokken kat uit die buurman se garage, neem nog n pilletjie uit die
boks en drink nog n bier. Sit jou kat in die klerekas sodat net sy kop uitsteek.
Forseer sy bek oop en skiet die pil met n kettie in sy keel af.

11. Gaan haal die skroewedraaier uit die garage en hang die kasdeur terug op sy
skaniere. Soek die whisky bottle, neem n groot sluk en ontsmet die krapmerke op jou
wange. Maak seker of jou tetnus-inspuiting nog geldig is. Gooi jou stukkende trui in
die drom en gaan trek n ou overall aan.

12 . Bel die brandweer om die satan-helskat uit die boom uit te kom haal.Vra jou
buurman om verskoning vir die taalgebruik en neem die laaste pil uit die dosie.

13. Tape beide voorvoete van die tierkat aan mekaar vas met duct tape. Bind hom
stewig aan die poot van die eetkamer-tafel vas met n stuk ankertou. Trek jou
welding-gloves aan, druk die pil in n stukkie vleis en gooi n groot glas vol water.
Hou die klein bliksem se kop agteroor, gooi die vleis in, gevolg deur die hele glas
water, hou sy bek toe vir 5 minute.

14. Neem die bottle whisky en drink hom leeg. Vra jou maat om jou, so gou moontlik,
by Ongevalle te kry, want jy word al lighoofdig van die bloedverlies. Laat hulle jou
vingers en voor-arm vas werk en die laaste pil uit jou oog uit verwyder. Bel
onderweg vir Hyperama om n nuwe eetkamer-tafel te bestel.

15. Bel ook die SPCA om te reel dat hulle die gemuteerde satanskind van n
helkat kom haal en stop by die Petshop om te vra of hulle nie dalk klein
hamsters het nie.

[Gyronaut]

Dear Dr. Ruth,

I am a crack dealer in Kempton Park, Gauteng. I was recently diagnosed as a carrier of the HIV virus. My parents live in Hillbrow and one of my sisters, who lives in Benoni, is married to a transvestite.

My father and mother were recently arrested for growing and selling marijuana. They are financially dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Brakpan. I have two brothers; one is currently serving a non-parole life sentence at Leeukop Central Prison for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. My other brother is currently in jail awaiting charges of sexual misconduct with his three children.

I recently got engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives in Yeoville. She is now a part time "working girl".
All things considered, my problem is this. I love my fiancé and look forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be totally open and honest with her. Should I tell her about my friend Danie, who is a Bulls supporter?

Signed,
Worried About My Reputation

[Gyronaut]

== Letter to the bank==

Dear Sirs,

In view of what seems to be happening internationally with banks at the moment, I was wondering if you could advise me correctly…

You have marked my cheque "insufficient funds," How do I know whether that refers to me, or to you?

[LarryMcG]

Gotta love the Irish - A Fookin good one!




Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg.
Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and
get meslippers?"
"No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two
stunning 19 year old twin daughters sitting on their beds.
"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both."
"Fook off you liar!"
"I'll prove it," Murphy says. So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of
dem,Paddy?"
"Of course, what's the use of f.......' one?"

[Uncle Spud Murphy]

Gotta love the Irish - A Fookin good one!




Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg.
Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and
get meslippers?"
"No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two
stunning 19 year old twin daughters sitting on their beds.
"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both."
"Fook off you liar!"
"I'll prove it," Murphy says. So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of
dem,Paddy?"
"Of course, what's the use of f.......' one?"

Hmmmmmm!! This could be utterly racist so it could. Fortunately I have a good sense of humour so I do and I am going to need it so I am

Alles van die beste
24

[LarryMcG]

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again.

For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box '

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that.You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~

[LarryMcG]

Sorry USM

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said,

'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said,
'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'

[Sad-Ham]

Making a baby. This is hilarious! I am not sure if you had seen this one!
There is not one dirty word in it, and it is funny.

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'

'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my speciality?'

'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'

'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time, but if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'

'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.

'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'

'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.

'Oh, my word!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.

'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in..'

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted

[coastwise]

Good one.

[AndyG]

A 92 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. At his follow up visit the doctor talked to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful'." The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful."

[AndyG]

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner were seated, waiting for the cockpit crew to show up so they could get under way. The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane, and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind. The pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle, and the copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with huge sunglasses.

At first the passengers do not react; thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. However, after a few minutes the engines start revving and the airplane starts moving down the runway. The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and looking desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.

Then, the airplane starts accelerating rapidly and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less than 20 feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once, and at the very last moment the airplane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the pilot, “You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we're gonna get killed!”

[AndyG]

Santa Claus, like all pilots, gets regular visits from the Federal Aviation Administration. The FAA examiner arrived for the pre-Christmas flight check. In preparation, Santa had the elves wash the sled and bathe all the reindeer. Santa got his logbook out and made sure all his paperwork was in order. He knew they would examine all his equipment and put his flying skills to the test.

The examiner walked slowly around the sled. He checked the reindeer harnesses, the landing gear, and Rudolf's nose. He painstakingly reviewed Santa's weight and balance calculations for sled's enormous payload. Finally, they were ready for the checkride. Santa got in and fastened his seatbelt and shoulder harness and checked the compass. Then the examiner hopped in carrying, to Santa's surprise, a shotgun.

“What's that for?” asked Santa incredulously.

The examiner winked and said, “I'm not supposed to tell you this ahead of time,” as he leaned over to whisper in Santa's ear, “but you're gonna lose an engine on takeoff.”