The joke thread

[slysi]

Patrick, who was on holiday from Ireland on Bondi beach couldn't seem to
make it with any of the girls. So he asked the local
lifeguard for some advice.

Mate, it's obvious,' says the lifeguard, 'you're wearing them old
baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer, They're
years outta style.

You're best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about two
sizes too small and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em.

I'm tellin' ya mate...you'll have all the babes ya want!'

The following weekend, Patrick hits the beach with his spanking new
tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato.

Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their
faces, turning away, and laughing, looking sick! So Patrick went back
to the lifeguard again and asked him, 'What's wrong now?'

JEEPURS!' said the lifeguard,

'Maaaaate.

The potato goes in front!'

[phoenix]

Asweet story

[Gyronaut]

BE CAREFUL WITH PROPELLERS!!!!

SAFETY FIRST

This for all those who remember the grace and beauty of the old piston poppers.


All old prop guys know that hand turning an engine propeller takes extra precaution. There are many horror stories out there concerning this matter.

I was sent the below photo from a friend, and felt obligated to notify him that this pilot is demonstrating very poor judgment and unsafe hand-propping technique.


Oh, and if the first thing that comes to your mind is 'what a beautiful old airplane,' you are in trouble.

Look closely at the plane's wheels in the photo below. There are NO chocks in front of the tires.

THE WHEELS NEED TO BE CHOCKED!

safety.jpg (21.22 KiB) Viewed 2730 times

[extra300s]

Maybe the pilot had a "dead stick" and the pax lady had to manually fire his engine up again...

[GR8-DAD]

hmmmm...cranking that radial again I see.......

[ICEMAN]

hmmmm...cranking that radial again I see.......

Probably due for a compression test.

[Cali]

hmmmm...cranking that radial again I see.......

Probably due for a compression test.

Don't know about that, needs a bit of Cali-bration though

[GR8-DAD]

hmmmm...cranking that radial again I see.......

Probably due for a compression test.

Don't know about that, needs a bit of Cali-bration though

...nice and long strokes I suppose......

[The Agent]

They took all the limo's way from Thabo Imbeki and gave him a TATA bakkie.

[Morph]

You will notice another safety factor adhered to in the pic above. It is imperitive when hand propping a plane to not have any loose clothing, that would snag in the prop. Excellent

[Gyronaut]

Very good point Morph, I think we should apply for the ANR's to be amended forthwith to make it compulsory!

[slysi]

For chilli lovers..........



One Man's Good Fight

I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that course
of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and
consumed a massive quantity of my patented "You're definitely going to $h!t
yourself" chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful,
which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day
both of your a$$ cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of
coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No "Watson's
Movement 2." Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my
intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning
symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.

Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when, I
bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often
haunt in search of tasty tidbits.

Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and
began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was
at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.
Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm
referring to that "Uh oh, gotta go" pain that always seems to hit us at the
wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.

The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a
mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines,
forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one
step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it
happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a
noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was
afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly,
oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I
began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned
into it.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction
would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she
walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different
directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at
least will be able to relate.

I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked
into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible
that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand
there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward
off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me
laugh. BIG Mistake.

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things "clamped down",
if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth
from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a
few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the
store and firing off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through
the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying
that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the
inevitable "Oh my G*d", floating above the toilet seat because my ass is
burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle
of what is the true meaning of "Shock and Awe." He made a gagging sound, and
disgustedly said, "Sonofabitch!", then quickly left.

Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart
intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me
and said, "Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears
some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to
run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of
the problem."

That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The
employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose
and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, "IT'S YOU!", then ran off
returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted
from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat
but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to
shop at Albertson's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court
over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the
store..

[slysi]

Muis familie sit en gesels.

Kat kom ingestorm.

Pa muis skrik sy gat af en begin blaf.

Kat hol weg.

Pa muis se: 'Ek hoop julle sien hoe F@kk@N belangrik 'n tweede taal is!'

[grostek]

Hi All

Filemon het 'n hoenderplaas gekry deur die staat se grondhervormings-ding.

Sy buurman was ook 'n hoenderboer en het kom kennis maak.
"Hoenderboerdery is nie maklik nie," verduidelik hy. "Ek sal jou 100 kuikens gee om te help begin."
Filemon was baie dankbaar. Die buurman kom loer weer in, so twee weke later, om te hoor hoe dit gaan.
"Hau, nie te goed nie. Al die kuikens hy het gavrek !!
Die buurman sê: "Ek kan dit nie glo nie. Ek het nog nooit probleme gehad nie. Laat ek jou nog 100 kuikens gee."
Twee weke later ontmoet hulle weer, en Filemon sê weer: "Ek kan det nie verstaan nie....almal die kuikens hy het weer gavrek..."
Verstom vra die buurman: "Wat het verkeerd gegaan? Wat het jy aan hulle gedoen?"

Filemon: "Eish, ek weet nie eintlik nie. Miskien ek plant hulle te diep."


Gunter Rostek

[Uncle Spud Murphy]

Enjoyed that slysi. Dankie, baie dankie. Needed a good bellow right now so I did

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