The joke thread

[AndyG]

Fifteen reasons why airplanes are easier to live with than women:

1) Airplanes usually kill you quickly - a woman takes her time.

2) Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.



3) Airplanes don't get mad if you do a "touch and go."


4) Airplanes don't object to a preflight inspection.


5) Airplanes come with manuals to explain their operation.


6) Airplanes have strict weight and balance limitations.


7) Airplanes can be flown any time of the month.


Airplanes don't come with in-laws.


9) Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you've flown before.
10) Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time.




11) Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplanes.

12) Airplanes don't mind if you buy airplane magazines.

13) Airplanes expect to be tied down.

14) Airplanes don't comment on your piloting skills.
15) Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.

[AndyG]

And before the lady pilots crucify me this was posted tongue in cheek and no offence intended

[Boet]

Ou gaan apteek toe vir sy elmboog wat moerse pyn. Apteker wys hom n nuwe soort masjien wat baie slim is. Jy piepie in n botteltjie, gooi R5 in en dan die piepie, an dan diagnoseer die masjien..... Maak toe so. Masjien gooi printout uit: "Jy het n tennis elmboog. Vermy gebruik van jou arm vir n ruk, en hou soggens en saans vir n uur in warm water, en jou elmboog sal oor 2 weke weer perfek wees". Ou is baie beiindruk. Op pad huis toe, Wonder hy of n mens die masjien kan poepol. Vat toe n groter botteltjie, hy piepie, toe sy vrou, seun en dogter, EN sy hond ook, en net vir good measure gooi hy so 3 druppeltjies van sy ou kar se aftapolie ook by...... Terug by die masjien gooi hy die "mix" in en toe R5. Die masjien Skud so effe, n paar liggies flikker, en toe print die masjien......: " Jou vrou verwag n tweeling, dis nie joune nie. Kry n prokureur. Jou dogter verwag, soek n Pa vir haar kind. Jou seun her vuilsiek. Vat hom Dr toe. Jou hond is besig om hondsdolheid te kry, vat hom vearts toe en laat sit die ding uit. Jou `58 Ford is besig om bearing te slaan, vat hom na n meckeniek toe, en as jy nie ophou draadtrek nie, sal jou tennis elmboog NOOIT regkom nie!!"

[Gyronaut]

Two buddies, Stan and Rob, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Stan throws up all over himself. 'Oh, no. Now my wife will kill me!'

Rob says, 'Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty bucks for the dry cleaning bill.

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.

Eventually Stan stumbles home and his wife starts to give him a bad time.

'You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! Good Heavens, you're disgusting!'

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur his words, Stan says, 'Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin! Itsh snot wha Jew think. I only had a cup la drrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick on me... he had one too many and he juss koudin hold hizz liquor. He said he was verrry shorry an' gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!'

His wife looks in the breast pocket and says, 'But this is forty bucks.'

'Oh, yeah... I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too......'

[Trikenut]

This is a great Irish joke!

Paddy and Murphy are walking along the road when Paddy says: "Murphy I'm hungry" "Me to, Paddy" says Murphy.
The walk along a bit more, Paddy says "Murphy, I'm really hungry", "Me to, Paddy" says Murphy.
They walk along more, the same is repeated!
Finally Paddy says: "Murphy you see this bridge? Lower me down and I'll catch a fish with me bare hands!"

So Murphy, being the smaller of the two, lowers Paddy the heavier one down.

After a few minutes Murphy says "You got anything Paddy?" Paddy replies 'No Murphy, no"
A few more minutes pass, again Murphy says "You got anything paddy? Paddy relplies: "No Murphy, no"
twice more this happens...

Then finally Paddy says: "Murphy, Murphy Pull me up!!"
Murphy pulls him up very quickly!
"Why did you want me to pull you up?" Murphy asks. Paddy replies.... "There's a train coming!

Apologies to any irishmen on this forum!

[3wheels]

we've all heard about people having guts or balls.

But do you really know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, the Definition for each is listed below...

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom,
and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say: "You're next, vetgat."

[Lesser_spotted_owl]

Right!!

The americans decided to do a study to explain why the tip of a fellas manhood is bigger than the rest, so 15 million dollars and three months later they decided it was for greater pleasure for the man during sex.

The French disagreed and did their own study, 20 million euros and six months later they decided it was so the woman got more pleasure.

The Australians disagreed with both of them and did their own study, 3 hours and 2 cases of beer later they found that it was so the hand didn't fly off and hit them in the face!

[Grumpy]

Owlman, and you think it's for an avatar.

[slysi]

Having watched SABC News for a while I can’t help but notice it needs some kind of translation… bearing this in mind… I present you with :

VITAL GUIDE TO SABC TV PRONUNCIATION

Beck - not the front
Beds - doves, vultures, etc.
Ben - to set alight
Cut - a small vehicle drawn by a donkey
Errors - districts, e.g. “Ebbon errors” (urban areas)
Farra – The man that is married to your Marra
Feather - implies distance - Cape Town is feather than Johannesburg
Fok – pronged cutlery, often used with a knife.
Guddin - around your house, where you grow plunts
Get - a hinged opening in a fence
Hair - as opposed to him
Hiss - masculine form of hairs
Itch - as in “itch and aviary pairsin”
Kennel - Army officer
Len - to acquire knowledge
Marra – The Woman that is married to your Farra
Mills – Food - what the Poh Pee-Pull have to some how go without.
Pee-Pull - Die Mense / people
Poh Pee-Pull - Die Mense / people who are financially challenged
Phlegm - the hot part at the end of a candle
Piss - symbolised by white doves
Suffa-Ring - as in “the pee-pull are suffa-ring”
Parrot Teksi - not a mamba of the teksi assoseshen
Soaka – A sport, often played between Kaiser Chiefs and Pirates.
Texis – Mini Bus capable of conveyeying entire Civilizations from point to point.
Toks – Negotiations
Weaner - the weaner takes all
Wekkas - they do the wek
Weld - The Earth
Wok – what you must learn to do before you can run.

[grostek]

Ja dinge gaan defnitief van botter na wors

(Afrikaans stranslation of better to worse)

Vasbyt mense hoe langer en meer hulle "len" hoe meer gaan ons lag.

He he he he he


Gunter Rostek

[Uncle Spud Murphy]

Thanks fellahs,

Feeling a bit sad lately. Thanks for cheering me up and making me laugh. Probably done the same for many others too I would imagine. Well done, keep em coming.

Trikenut. Excellent my boy, typically Irish so it was. Very good. Here's a quickie for you young man.

When do you sell an Irishman land? When the tides out (Came out of a Xmas cracker so it did)

Alles van die best

PS: Should we have an Irish joke topic and stuff the PC people?

[Arnulf]

Try not to laugh out loud when you finish reading this.

Black hurricanes.....

Well, it appears our African-American friends have found yet something else to be pissed about. A black congresswoman (this would be Sheila Jackson Lee, of Houston) , reportedly complained that the names of hurricanes are all Caucasian sounding names. She would prefer some names that reflect African-American culture such as Chamiqua, Tanisha, Woeisha, Shaqueal, and Jamal. I am NOT making this up!
She would also like the weather reports to be broadcast in 'language' that street people can understand because one of the problems that happened in New Orleans was, that black people couldn't understand the seriousness of the situation, due to the racially biased language of the weather report.
I guess if the weather person says that the winds are
going to blow at 140+ MPH, that's too hard to understand.

I can hear it now: A weatherman in New Orleans says...

Wazzup, mutha-fukkas! Hehr-i-cane Chamiqua be headin' fo' yo *ss like Leroy on a crotch rocket! B!tch be a category fo' ! So, turn off dem chitlins, grab yo' chirren, leave yo crib, and head fo' de nearest FEMA office fo yo FREE sh!t.

[extra300s]

LOL very good!

[John Boucher]

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"

"Yes, I do." Said Bob.

"Did you, er, happen to getup in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes!," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did." "Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

[Low Level]

Black hurricanes.....

Had a good chuckle.

This old, wrinkled dude on the beach walked up to the young busty blonde and started chatting. After the while she remarked " Is it my imagination, or are your wrinkles dissapearing"

He replies "Not your imagination, I now need my skin somewhere else"