The joke thread

[DarkHelmet]

A High School English Teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
She tells the class that there would be no excuse for not showing up,
except for a serious injury or illness, or a death in the student's
immediate family.
One smart-ass jock in the back of the room asks, "What about extreme sexual
exhaustion?"
The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student,
shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Not an excuse. You can use your other
hand to write with."

[Ou Man]

'n Wyfie muis sit met haar vriendin en gesels .
"Ek het 'n nuwe boyfriend" en sy wys die vriendin 'n foto.
"Maar dis dan 'n vlermuis!!!" sê die vriendin.
"Die bliksim.....en vir my vertel hy hy's 'n PILOT"

[MILO]

Heres a pre weekend thought...

[Bayliner]

President Zuma meets with the Queen of England . He asks her,

"Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are

there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround

yourself with intelligent people."


Zuma frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really

intelligent?"


The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them

to answer an intelligence riddle."

The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair

in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walks into the room "Yes, my Queen?"

The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and

Father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your

sister.

Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "That would be

me."

"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.

Back in Cape town , President Zuma asks to speak with Julius Malema.

"Answer this for me. Your mother and your Father have a child.

It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," says Julius. "Let me get back to you on that one."

Julius goes to his advisors and asks everyone, but none can give him

an answer. Finally, he ends up at the V&A Waterfront and bumps into

Mark Lottering.

Julius looks around to see if anyone can overhear them, and he

whispers, Mark! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a
child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Mark whispers back, "That's easy. It's me!"
Julius smiles and says "Thanks!"

Julius goes back to Parliament to speak with Pres Zuma. "Say, I did

some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Mark

Lottering."



Zuma gets up, stomps over to Julius, and angrily yells into his

face, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

[DarkHelmet]

A Department of Water Resources representative (Philemon) stops at a Free State farm and talks with old farmer Koos.

He tells Koos, "I need to inspect your farm for the water allocation".

Koos says, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there".


Philemon says, "Meneer, I have the full authority of the ANC Government with me. See this card? This card means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered.
Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"


Koos nods politely and goes about his chores. Shortly, thereafter Koos hears loud screams and spies Philemon running for his life followed close behind by the farmer's bull, who's gaining with every step.



Philemon is clearly terrified, and is screaming for help, so the old farmer throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....




"Your card!!! Show him your card!!! "

[AndyG]

Another Christmas Story


A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend.

They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland .

Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal.

Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time.

Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers.

Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter.


Dear Maggie,

I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove).

These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks.

I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.

Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.

I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.

All my love,

Chris

P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.
________________________________________

[Ou Man]

The Difference Between Airplanes And Women

1. Airplanes usually kill you quickly - a woman takes her time.

2. Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.

3. Airplanes don't get mad if you do a "touch and go."

4. Airplanes don't object to a preflight inspection.

5. Airplanes come with manuals to explain their operation.

6. Airplanes have strict weight and balance limitations.

7. Airplanes can be flown any time of the month.

8. Airplanes don't come with in-laws.

9. Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you've flown before.

10. Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time.

11. Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplanes.

12. Airplanes don't mind if you buy airplane magazines.

13. Airplanes expect to be tied down.

14. Airplanes don't comment on your piloting skills.

15. Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong.

However, when airplanes go quiet, just like women, it's usually not good

[Trikenut]

Finally, the guys' side of the story. We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are Men's rules! Please note...these are all numbered "1".

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh. Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them an education!

[Low Level]

ITALIAN PHILOSOPHY!!!

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls his grandson to his bed!

'Lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated 38 revolver so
you will always remember me.'

'But grandpa, I really don't lika guns. Howzabout you leava me your
Rolex watch instead?'

'Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business.....you gonna
have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple a
bambinos'

'Somma day you gonna comma home and maybe find you wife inna bed with
another man. Whadda you gonna do then....... pointa to your watch and
say 'Times up'? !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[DarkHelmet]

While I was driving down the N1 the other day, (going a little faster than I Should have been) I passed under a bridge only to see a traffic-cop on the other side with a radar gun laying in wait.

The cop pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk, asked: "Runway too short?"

To which I replied, "I'm late for work."

To which he asked, "What do you do?"

"I'm a rectum-stretcher," I responded.

The traffic cop was surprised and confused. "A what? A rectum-stretcher??"

And just what does a rectum-stretcher do?" "Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger into a rectum, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch the hole, until it's about 6 feet."

Then the cop asked questioningly and cautiously, "And just what do you do with a six-foot poepol?"

To which I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind A bridge..."

[vernon11]

Dark Helmet. That Is excelent.

[AndyG]

Only in South Africa.

[Alkemac]

Judging by the state of the water, it's probably used as a toilet as well...

[Hak]

[Hak]

4 the braai what can i say