The joke thread

[DarkHelmet]

A couple is on the way out to a black tie evening. The husband is sitting on the bed tying his shoelaces and the wife comes out of the shower. She stands in front of the mirror and holds her pair.

"Honey, don't you think I can make these look better?"

Husband, without looking up: "They are fine honey!"

Wife: "You did not even look!"

Husband: "Here is what you do, take some toilet paper and rub it up and down your clevage every day."

Wife: "How is that going to help?"

Husband: "Well it worked for your ar$3 didn't it?"

[peterb]

Things people have actually said in courts in MUMBAI, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr.. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar..
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[vernon11]

Tha type of mentality Malema has.

[Gyronaut]

The Pope and Julius Malema are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leans towards Julius and says, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

Julius replied, "I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me."

So the Pope slapped him.

[Grumpy]

Google

[Duck Rogers]

[skidmark]

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss.
Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her.
After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early.. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside.
Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss!

Gently she closed the door and crept out of the house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go
with them.

"No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!"

[andreb]

very funny video....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vq2SOmwzjUU

[Tailspin]

A crocodile from Pretoria met up with his cousin from Durban.

The smaller one from Durban turned to the bigger one from Pretoria and said: 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age; we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it.'

'Well,' said the big Pretoria croc, 'what have you been eating?'

'Rugby fans, same as you,' replied the small Durban croc.

'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

'Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot at the stadium.'

'Same here. Hmm ... How do you catch them?'

'Well, I crawl up under one of their BMW cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the sh*t out of them and eat 'em!'

'Ah!' says the big crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment..
You see, by the time you finish shaking the sh*t out of a Sharks fan, there's nothing left but an a*sshole with a black jersey.'

[Tailspin]

Two Irish hunters got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose. The two lads objected strongly. 'Last year we got six. The pilot let us take them all, and he had the same plane as yours.'

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down. Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the crash. After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, 'Any idea where we are?'

Mick replied, 'I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year.'

[Low Level]

Quote for the day:

Love is like a fart, it shouldn't be forced, it should come naturally otherwise you'll be dealin with a lot of sh!t

[Tailspin]

The Pic says it all

[MILO]

Pic says it all

[Tailspin]

This is how i feel about Management today.

[AndyG]

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY? (Written by kids)

(1) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you
like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she
should keep the chips and dip coming.
- Alan, age 10

(2) No person really decides before they grow up who they're going
to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out
later who you're stuck with.
- Kristen, age 10


WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?

(1) Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person
FOREVER by then.
- Camille, age 10

(2) No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get
married.
- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)


HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?

(1) You might have to guess, based on whether
they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
- Derrick, age 8


WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MUM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

(1) Both don't want any more kids.
- Lori, age 8


WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

(1) Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to
know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long
enough.
- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

(2) On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that
usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
- Martin, age 10 (who says boys do not have brains)


WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

(1) I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the
newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-Craig, age 9


WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

(1) When they're rich.
- Pam, age 7

(2) The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to
mess with that.
- Curt, age 7 (good point)

(3) The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should
marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- Howard, age 8


IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

(1) It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need
someone to clean up after them.
- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)


HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

(1) There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
- Kelvin, age 8


And the #1 Favourite is........


HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?

(1) Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a
truck.
- Ricky, age 10