The joke thread

[slysi]

Ole is a farmer in Minnesota. He is in need of a new milk cow and hears about a nice one for sale over in Nordakota (that would be ‘North Dakota’ for you non-Scandahoovians out there).

He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow. Ole reaches under to see if she gives milk. When he grabs the teat and pulls…the cow farts.
Ole is very surprised. He looks at the farmer who is selling the cow, then reaches under the cow to try again. He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out however, so after some discussion with the cow’s current owner, Ole decides to buy the cow and take it home.

When he gets back to Minnesota, he calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says, “Hey, Sven, come and look at dis here new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat, and see vat happens.” Sven reaches under, pulls the teat - and the cow farts. Sven looks at Ole and says, “You bought dis here cow in Nordakota, didn’t yah?”
Ole is very surprised since he hadn’t told Sven about his trip. “Yah, dats right. But how did you know?” Sven says, “My wife is from Nordakota.”

[kloot piloot]

So is my father ! He makes me pull his finger !

[Grumpy]

So is my father ! He makes me pull his finger !

Very clever Kloot

[slysi]

A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank on a busy lunchtime.
They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with pager .
After waiting patiently for a few minutes, the little boy said loudly,
"Wow, she's fat!
The mother bent down and whispered in the little boy's ear to be quiet.
A couple more minutes passed by and the little boy stretched his arms out
as far as they would go and announced; "I'll bet her bum is this wide!"
The fat woman turned around and glared at the little boy.
The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet.
After a brief lull, the large woman reached the front of the queue.
Just then her pager begin to emit a "beep, beep, beep".
The little boy yelled out, "Run for your f***ng life, she's reversing.

[Kalahari]

'Om iewers te kom in die lewe moet jy jou sokkies optrek, of jou pantie aftrek........

maar buk gaan jy buk'.

[slysi]

New Orleans Crabs

A man boarded a plane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde, female crew member to take care of the box for him. She took the box and promised to put it into the crew's refrigerator. He pointedly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, mentioned that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant to her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was most annoyed by his behavior.

Shortly before landing in New York , she got on the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand."

Not one hand went up... so she took them home and ate the crabs herself.

Two lessons here:

1. Some men never learn.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most men think.

[slysi]

Preacher said:

"If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and throw it into
the river".
And the congregation cried, "Amen!"

"And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and throw it in
the river".
And the congregation cried, "Amen!"

"And if I had all the whiskey and rum in the world, I'd take it all
and throw it in the river".
Again the congregation cried, "Amen!"

The preacher sat down.

The deacon then stood up & said:
"For our closing hymn, let's turn to page 126 of our hymn books and sing: "We shall drink from that river"".

THE CONGREGATION SCREAMED "HALLELUYA!!!!"

[slysi]

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Richard, the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.

Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?
He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Richard grinned. 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?''

No,' I replied.
'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

I used to like the little shit.

[DarkHelmet]

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

Or PEBKAK
Problem Exists Between Keyboard and Chair

[Tailspin]

So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

Or PEBKAK
Problem Exists Between Keyboard and Chair

I have plenty of those here at the Tech

[DarkHelmet]

Did you grow up in the 80's?

1. You’ve ever ended a sentence with the word SIKE
2. You watched the Pound Puppies
3. You can sing the rap to the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air and can do the Carlton Dance
4. Girls wore biker shorts under their skirts and felt stylishly sexy
5. You yearned to be a member of the Baby-sitters club and tried to start a club of your own.
6. You owned those lil’ Strawberry Shortcake pals scented dolls
7. You know that “WOAH” comes from Joey on Blossom
8. Two words: Hammer Pants
9. If you ever watched “Fraggle Rock”
10. You had plastic streamers on your handle bars… and spokey-dokes or playing cards on your spokes for that incredible sound effect
11. You can sing the entire theme song to “Duck Tales” (Woo ooh!)
12. It was actually worth getting up early on a Saturday to watch cartoons
13. You wore a ponytail on the side of your head
14. You saw the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles on the big screen…and still know the turtles names
15. You got super-excited when it was Oregon Trail day in computer class at school
16. You made your mom buy one of those clips that would hold your shirt in a knot on the side
17. You played the game “MASH” (Mansion, Apartment, Shelter, House)
18. You wore stonewashed Jordache jean jackets and were proud of it
19. L.A. Gear….need I say more?
20. You wanted to change your name to “JEM” in Kindergarten. (She’s Truly Outrageous.)
21. You remember reading Tales of a fourth grade nothing and all The Ramona books
22. You know the profound meaning of “WAX ON, WAX OFF”
23. You wanted to be a Goonie
24. You ever wore fluorescent neon clothing (some of us…head-to-toe)
25. You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off and his cheeks shifted
26. You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the only female smurf
27. You took lunch boxes to school…and traded Garbage Pailkids in the schoolyard
28. You remember the CRAZE, then the BANNING of slap bracelets
29. You still get the urge to say “NOT” after every sentence
30. You remember Hypercolor t-shirts
31. Barbie and the Rockers was your favorite band
32. You thought She-ra (Princess of Power!) and He-Man should hook up.
33. You thought your childhood friends would never leave because you exchanged handmade friendship bracelets.
34. You ever owned a pair of Jelly shoes.
35. After you saw Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure you kept saying “I know you are, but what am I?”
36. You remember “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up”
37. You remember going to the skating rink before there were inline skates.
38. You ever got seriously injured on a Slip and Slide.
39. You have ever played with a Skip-It.
40. You had or attended a birthday party at McDonalds.
41. You’ve gone through this nodding your head in agreement.
42. You remember Popples
43. Don’t worry, be happy
44. You wore like, EIGHT pairs of socks over tights with high top Reeboks.
45. You wore socks scrunched down (and sometimes still do..getting yelled at by younger hip members of the family)
46. You remember boom boxes and walking around with one on your shoulder like you were all that.
47. You remember watching both Gremlins movies.
48. You know what it meant to say “Care Bear Stare!!”
49. You remember watching Rainbow Bright and & My Little Pony Tales
50. You thought Doogie Howser/Samantha Micelli was hot
51. You remember Alf, the lil furry brown alien from Melmac
52. You remember New Kids on the Block when they were cool…and don’t even flinch when people refer to them as “NKOTB”
53. You knew all the characters names and their life stories on “Saved By The Bell,” The ORIGINAL class
54. You know all the words to Bon Jovi - > YOU GIVE LOVE A BAD NAME
55. You just sang those words to yourself
56. You remember watching Magic vs. Bird
57. Homemade Levi shorts.. (the shorter the better)
58. You remember when mullets were cool!
59. You had a mullet!
60. You still sing “We are the World”
61. You tight rolled (pegged) your jeans
62. You owned a banana clip
63. You remember “Where’s the Beef?”
64. You used to (and probably still do) say “What you talkin’ ’bout Willis?
65. You had big hair and you knew how to use it
66. You’re still singing shot through the heart in your head, aren’t you!

[MILO]

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question....
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you give her my jewellery?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: -- silence --
HUSBAND: "sh*t."

[wiskeyfoxtrot]

Old couple sitting in front of the radio when the Rev J Shmuck comes on and says,
" Today we are going to do some faith healing through the radio! ". Place one had on the area you want healed and the other on the radio and sing along "wade in the water.....wade in the water childern... and you will be faith healed !The old lady places one hand on her heart and the other on the radio and sings along. The old man thinks this looks good and places one hand on his dick and the other on the radio. The wife looks at him and says " We are trying to heal here not raise the fucking dead !

[Low Level]

Why Men Don't Write Advice Columns


Dear Walter,

I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbour's daughter. I am 41, my husband is 44, and the neighbour's daughter is 22.

We have been married for ten years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months.

I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,

Sheila

***************************

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps,

Walter

[slysi]

Subject: DA / ANC

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below.

She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude."

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a DA supporter!"

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist," everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be an ANC Government official"

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You've risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but, somehow, now it's my fault.