The joke thread

[AndyG]

Pilot wisdom:

Flying is hours of boredom, punctuated by moments of stark terror.

Truly superior pilots are those who use their superior judgment to avoid those situations where they might have to use their superior skills.

Rule one: No matter what else happens, fly the airplane.

The propellor is just a big fan in the front of the plane to keep the pilot cool. Want proof? Make it stop; then watch the pilot break out into a sweat.

No one has ever collided with the sky.

If you're ever faced with a forced landing at night, turn on the landing lights to see the landing area. If you don't like what you see, turn 'em back off.

Never let an airplane take you somewhere you brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.

If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger, if you pull the stick back they get smaller.

Every one already knows the definition of a good landing is one from which you can walk away. But very few know the definition of a great landing. It's one after which you can use the airplane another time.

Helicopters can't really fly — they're just so ugly that the earth immediately repels them.

Sorry folks for the hard landing. It wasn't the pilot's fault, and it wasn't the plane's fault. It was the asphault.

What's the difference between God and pilots? God doesn't think he's a pilot.

Airspeed, altitude, or brains; you always need at least two.

There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing: Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.

Flying is not dangerous; crashing is dangerous.

Jet and piston engines work on the same principle: Suck and squeeze, blow and go.

The three most dangerous things in aviation are a doctor in a Bonanza, two captains in a DC-9, and a flight attendant with a chipped tooth.

What do you call a pregnant flight attendant? Pilot error.

[John Young]

Should you ever fly VFR into IMC, remember ...

THE CAT AND DUCK OF INSTRUMENT FLIGHT.

1.Place a live cat on the cockpit floor. Because a cat always remains upright, he or she can be used in lieu of a needle and ball. Merely watch to see which way the cat leans to determine if a wing is low, and if so which one.

2.The Duck is used for the Instrument approach and landing. Due to the fact that any sensible duck will refuse to fly under instrument conditions, it is only necessary to hurl your duck out of the aircraft and follow it to the ground.

LIMITATIONS ON THE CAT AND DUCK PROCEDURE.

1.Get a wide awake cat. Most cats do not want to stand up at all. It may be necessary to carry a large dog in the cockpit to keep the cat at attention.

2.Make sure your cat is clean. Dirty cats will spend alll their time washing. Trying to follow a washing cat usually results in a tight snap roll followed by an inverted spin.

3.Use only old cats. Young cats have nine lives, but old cats that have used up their lives have as much to lose as you do and will be more dependable.

4.Beware of a cowardly duck. If the duck discovers that you are using the cat to stay upright, it will refuse to leave without the cat. Remember, ducks are no better in IFR than you are.

5.Be sure that the duck has good eyesight. Near-sighted ducks sometimes fail to recognise that they are on the guage and go flogging off into the nearest hill. Extremely near-sighted ducks will fail to recognise that they have been thrown from the aircraft and will descend to the ground in a sitting position. This maneuver is very difficult to follow in a fixed wing aircraft.

6.Use only land loving ducks. It is very discouraging to break out and find yourself on final for a lake or marsh, particularly if there are duck hunters around. Duck hunters suffer from temporary insanity while sitting in freezing water for hours and will shoot at anything that flies.

7.Choose your duck carefully. It is easy to confuse ducks with geese as many waterbirds look alike. While they are very competent instrument fliers, geese seldom want to go in the same direction as you. If your duck heads off for Cape York or Tasmania, you can be sure that you have been given the goose.

This extract was lifted from a Malaysian Air Force safety magazine to illustrate the latest modification to the Hawk 108/208 aircraft. After we have carried out comprehensive trials, I will post the results in this newsgroup. Rumour has it that the RAAF have already commenced a comprehensive Cat and Duck breeding programme with the CSIRO to ensure optimum performance of the system should the purchase of the BAe Hawk go ahead for the LIF programme...

[LarryMcG]

A
mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
'Mommy,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?' 'Honey,
you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied. 'It's
not polite.' 'OK', the little girl says, 'How much do you weigh?'
'Now really,' the mother says, 'those are personal questions and
are really none of your business.' Undaunted, the little girl
asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?' 'That's enough
questions, young lady! Honestly!' The exasperated mother walks
away as the two friends begin to play. ' My Mom won't tell me
anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend. 'Well,'
says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her driver's license. It's
like a report card, it has everything on it.' Later that night the
littl e girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are. You are 32.'
The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?
'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.' The mother is
past surprised and shocked now. 'How in Heaven's name did you find
that out?' 'And,' the little girl says triumphantly,'I know why
you and daddy got a divorce.' 'Oh
really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'

'Because
you got an F in sex.'

[The Agent]

Colin the Hen.

Colin came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.

"Who the hell are you?" Demanded Colin, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?"

The mysterious Man answered, "This isn't your bedroom and I ' m St Peter".

Colin was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've go t to send me back straight away".

St Peter replied "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch.

We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."

Colin was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.

"This isn't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.


The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"

"It's not so bad" replies Colin, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I ' m about to explode".

"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before". "Never" replies Colin

"Well just relax and let it happen"

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened tohim...ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an
enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting

"Colin, skrik wakker jou dronk vark, jy KAK in die bed!!!"

[coastwise]

Excellent, he was really and truly in the sh!t.

[LarryMcG]

Two Gay Guys are walking through a zoo... They come across the gorilla and
notice that the male gorilla has a massive erection. The gay men are
fascinated by this.

One of the men just can't bear it any longer, and he reaches into the cage
to touch it. The gorilla grabs him, drags him into the cage and mates with
him for six hours, non-stop, while the zoo attendants helplessly stand
by....

When he's done, the gorilla throws the man out of the cage. An ambulance is
called and the man is taken away to the hospital. A few days later, his
friend visits him in the hospital and asks, 'Are you hurt?'


'AM I HURT?' he shouts, 'Wouldn't you be? He hasn't called....he hasn't
written....'

[LarryMcG]

group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry, but mostly to see the horses .

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other .

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal .

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes . As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed .

Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, 'You must be in the 5th grade . '

'No, ma'am', he replied . 'I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help . '

[extra300s]

Excellent Larry

[Low Level]

WHERE DID THE WHITE MAN GO WRONG?


Indian Chief, 'Two Eagles,' was asked by a white government
official, 'You have observed the white man for 90 years.
You've seen his wars and his technological advances.

You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.'


The Chief nodded in agreement.
The official continued, 'Considering all these events, in your opinion,
where did the white man go wrong?'

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute
and then calmly re plied. 'When white man find land, Indians
running it. No taxes, No debt, Plenty buffalo, plenty beaver,
Clean Water; women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend
all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.'

Then the chief leaned back and smiled. "Only white man dumb enough to
think he can improve system like that?"

[Trikenut]

Van De Merwe is on a hunting trip in the forest.
A stunning nude blond appears and winds herself round a tree.
She said in a sexy voice "I'm Game"
So he shot her!
Insert apropriate cartoon here:

[Trikenut]

A blind man was given a cheese grater for christmas...
He said it was the most violent book he ever read!

[slysi]

Bump....some humour needed me thinks

[slysi]

A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand and orders a shandy.

All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see another Australian visitor.

The barman says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"

The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."

The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?"

The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender says, "A taxidermist?

What the hick is a taxidermist?

Do you drive a taxi?"

"No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."

The bartender grins and yells,

"He's okay boys. He's one of us."

[slysi]

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...
______________________________

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...* *
______________________________

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive...

so, I took her to a petrol station.

And then the fight started...
______________________________

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...
______________________________

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...
______________________________

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...
______________________________

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....
______________________________

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And then the fight started....
_____________________________

My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday

and then the fight started.....
______________________________

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary? " It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started....
______________________________

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes." So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started....

[John Boucher]

Ouma& Oupa klim in die bed, oupa gee 'n harde poep.''7 punte vir my!' skree oupa.
Ouma vra:'Wat is dit?'
Oupa se dis poeprugby...
Paar minute later poep ouma en sê: "'n drie & 'n skop, 7 punte elk!'
Oupa laat gaan nog een en sê: 'strafskop vir my, 10/07 vir my'
Ouma laat gooi een en sê: ' strafskop, 10 elk'
Ouma sê: 'skepskop!' en loop 13/10 voor..
Oupa verloor beheer en beskyt die bed. Ouma vra bekommerd wat was dit?
Oupa sê: HALFTYDFLUITJIE, ons moet kante ruil!!!