The joke thread

[wiskeyfoxtrot]

Koos loop eendag deur die veld en merk a man op wat water uit n poel drink. Hy roep uit, " Moenie dardie water drink nie daar is kak daar in ! " Die man antwoord " Im Julias Malema, speak english! " Koos antwoord " Use both hands, you get more that way ! "

Later

[Hak]

I am not going 2 get LIZARDS

[Hak]

That is Y my name is JULIAS u know

[Gaz]

A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"

"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."

The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"

"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."

So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar..

"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:

First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."



"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the backwith a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."


"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."



The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"

"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."

As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"

He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!

Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body. He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"

[DarkHelmet]

Three black ladies are getting ready to take a plane trip for the first time.

The first lady said, 'I don't know bout y'awl
but I'm gunna wear me sum hot pink panties beefo I gets on dat plane.'

'Why you gonna wear dem fo?' the other two asked.

The first replied, 'Cause, if dat plane goes down and 'm out dare laying butt-up in a conefield, dey gonna
find me first.'

The second lady said, 'Well, I'm a-gonna wear me
some floe-esant orange panties.'

'Why you gonna wear dem?' the others asked.

The second lady answered, 'Cause if dis hare plane is
goin' down and I be floating butt-up in the oshun, dey
can see me first.'

The third lady says, 'Well, I'm not gonna wear any
panties.....'

'What? No panties?' the others asked in disbelief.

The third lady says, 'Dat's right girlfriends,
you hears me right. I ain't wearin' any panties, cause
if dis plane goes down, honey, dey always look fo da black box first.'

[DarkHelmet]

HOUSE BOY: MPHO

Mpho is a house boy who every day drinks the wine of his Boss and puts water in the bottle to replace what he drank. But the Boss having suspicions as for the quality of the wine, he decides to buy pastis (a French wine that changes colour if you add water).

Mpho as usual, takes a mouthful and add water to replace what he drank however, soon after he added water the pastis became milky.

When the Boss came back and noticed it, he was sure he had managed to nail Mpho as thief!!! At that same moment Mpho realized he was in trouble and decided to go into the kitchen.

The Boss told his wife that 'Mary, you will see today,he will be obliged to acknowledge'. So he calls Mpho.

He shouted: ' Mpho!'
Mpho answered: 'Yes, Boss'
Boss: 'Who drank my pastis?'
No answer.
The Boss reiterated his question: 'Who drank my wine?'Still;
No answer.
Then the Boss went to fetch Mpho from the kitchen and says to him:
You insane or what? Why when I call you, you say yes boss' but when I ask you a question you don't answer me?

Mpho retorted that 'It is that boss, when you are in the kitchen there, you don't hear anything at all, except the name.

Then to prove that Mpho lies, the Boss says to him: 'You stay beside Madam here, me I go in the kitchen, and you ask me a question '. Mpho accepted and the Boss went in the kitchen.

Mpho shouted: 'Boss'.
He answered: 'Yes, Mpho '.
Mpho continued: 'Who goes in the maid bedroom when the Madam is not here? '.
No answer.
Mpho shouted again: 'Boss, I say who made the maid pregnant?'
No answer.
Mpho shouted again (third time): 'Boss, I say who made the maid pregnant?'

The Boss returns from the kitchen running and says, Mpho; it is true, you are right. When one is in the kitchen, one does not hear anything, only the name!

[Africa]

For those that don't know about history, here is a condensed version...


Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers.

They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel..
The wheel was invented to get man to the beer.
These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture.
Neither the glass bottle nor aluminium can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery.
That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer.
This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing.
This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women.
Those became known as girlie-men.
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.
Over the years conservatives came to be symbolised by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant.
Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water.
They eat raw fish but like their beef well done.
Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.
Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men.
Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals.
Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud, Coors or Miller.
They eat red meat and still provide for their women.
Conservatives are big game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively.
Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing.
They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production.
Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans... that is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America.
Liberals crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history:
It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above.
A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history.
And there you have it... let your next action reveal your true self.

[Bayliner]

Excellent. I am a conservative for sure.

[DarkHelmet]

Come drink my beer you liberals!

[IceAge]

An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat.

He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... never really wanted to."

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet.


The old prospector --not wanting to get a toe blown off-- started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.



The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.

The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.

The crowd stopped laughing immediately.



The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening.

The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever licked a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir..... but... I've always wanted to."


There are a few lessons for us all here:

Never be arrogant.
Don't waste ammunition.
Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
Don't mess with old men; they didn't get old by being stupid.

[Alkemac]

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath, "Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo...what ees it?"

"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees

Ees

Ees

Ees

Ees a ham bush.....

[Alkemac]

Piet and Koos, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer.

Piet turns to Koos and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the community college, and sign up for some classes."

Koos thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave. The next day, Piet goes down to the college and meets dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Maths, English, History, and Logic.

"Logic?" Piet says. "What's that?"

The dean says, "I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?"

"Yeah."

"Then logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard."

"That's true, I do have a yard."

"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."

"Yes, I do have a house."

"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."

"Yes, I have a family."

"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual."

"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to findout all of that because I have a weed eater."

Excited to take the class now, Piet shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Koos at the bar. He tells Koos about his classes, how he is signed up for Maths, English, History, and Logic.

"Logic?" Koos says, "What's that?"

Piet says, "I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?"

"No."

"Then you're a moffie .........."

[AndyG]

The Old bull and the young bull are standing on top of a hill looking down at the herd below. "Who do all those cows belong to?" asks the young bull.
"to me" answers the old bull.

"Wow!" says the young bull. "why don't we run down there and lay one of them"

Says the old bull, "why don't we walk down there slowly and lay ALL of them"

[Kosie]

Peblo and Pablo are taking a siesta in front of the bar. Without lifting his sombrero, Peblo says: "Hey, Pablo."

No response.

An hour goes by. Again Peblo says: "Hey, Pablo."

Another hour goes by before Pablo responds: "Yes Peblo."

The sun is now close to setting. After a half hour or so, Peblo says: "Pablo, ees my fly open?"

Another half hour passes by, then Pablo lifts one end of his sombrero, looks sideways towards Peblo and relaxes again. Just before sunset, finally, Pablo answers: "No, Peblo. Your fly she ees not open."

Peblo responds: "OK, then I'll pees tomorrow."

[falconp1]